The Toiletsfrom Hell!
by blueeyesjdaly
Summary: A comedy piece for my readers. Stand alone- A plumbing malfunction on the Meifu campus has unpleasant consequences. Inspired by true events at my work. LOL!


Attention readers:

I'm working on chapter 4 of the Book of Oni. I have had all sorts of craziness these past few months, so it was hard for me to find the quiet I need to write. Finally things seem to be settling down and I can write again. Yea!

This is a little present to you for all your patience. It is inspired by actual events at my work. The truth is stranger than fiction! I usually don't' write about toilet humor. But when this happened, I thought it was just too funny not to write about.

I must warn you however; this story has some "grossness" in it. Do not read while you are eating, or don't like that stuff.

As it is in my yami no matsuei universe, my own characters are in it. However, it is a stand alone piece. So don't fault me for any consistency issues.

Enjoy!

* * *

The Toilets... from hell!

Tatsumi looked over the office, and smiled. It was full of the beautiful music the office manager loved. It was the sound of typing, clicking, and pens writing. Every shinigami in the office was working. Not surfing the internet, or eating candy bars, or pouting, or arguing, or smoking; but actually working. He didn't know who to thank for this miracle, but he was glad of it nonetheless. It was the sound of productiveness, a rare melody, indeed.

And, unfortunately, short lived.

"Tatsumi!" Watari cried as he burst through the door. All eyes turned towards the alarmed scientist, and music of productivity ceased. Tatsumi frowned, and pushed his glasses back. But Watari ignored Tatsumi's annoyance.

"Tatsumi! We have a problem!"

"Oh?" the shinigami replied. Tsuzuki winced at his former partner's coldness. "Every thing seems to be running smoothly, for once. Or at least it was..."

"We have to evacuate the building at once!"

This made Tsuzuki sit up at attention.

"We get to go home early?" he chirped, his eyes hopeful.

Hisoka felt a wave of glee and the first hints of desire come from Tsuzuki.

Bert sniffed the air for a moment and grimaced.

"Watari, Is that what I think it is?" Bert asked.

Hisoka went bright red.

*Tsu! Bert smells your pheromones! Stop it!*

*I can't stop it, Soka-chan!* Tsuzuki whined. *Just thinking about having you to myself for a few extra hours makes me excited!*

*Oh yes.* the oni added.

*Baka!* Hisoka replied. *You're both perverts!*

*Oh you like us that way, Kotori-chan.*

Oblivious to this silent argument, Tatsumi attempted to keep the focus of the office on work. Again he tried to regain control of the situation. He glared at Tsuzuki for his outburst, and Tsuzuki cowered in his chair. His dog ears appeared and he looked like a kicked puppy. Hisoka rolled his eyes.

"Myers-san," Tatsumi stated. "Use language appropriate for the office."

But Bert wasn't looking at Tatsumi; he was studying Watari's face. The scientist bit his lip embarrassed. This reaction, told the hunter much more than it did everyone else, because the American bolted out of his seat and ran to the windows. He yanked one of them open.

"Myers-san, sit down!" Tatsumi barked.

"Katie, come on!" the American yelled as jumped out the window. He bolted away from the building, and all eyes watched his retreating figure racing up the lawn. Every face, save Tatsumi's, was perplexed.

Furious at Bert's defiance, the secretary roared out the window.

"That's a demerit for you, Myers-san!"

"What got into him?" Terazuma asked. Randall shrugged.

"Tatsumi, we need to-" Watari stammered. But he was cut off by a rumble that shook the building. It was followed by several high pitched screams. A horrible stench filled the air.

*What is that?* Katie growled. *Ohmygod! That's gross!*

"I tried to tell you, Tatsumi." Watari pouted. "The toilets are about to explode"

For a moment, every Shinigami in the summons office was still, as they realized the seriousness of the situation. Then there was a mad rush towards the windows in an effort to follow Bert's hasty example. Tatsumi rushed to his desk in the commotion. His fingers flew across the keyboard with amazing speed.

"What are you doing?" Watari cried. "We need to get out of here."

"I cannot neglect my duties as secretary!"

As Hisoka stood up from his desk he saw some movement on his computer monitor. A window alerted him to an incoming message of high priority. He glanced down and saw:

Attention all Meifu employees: The western building is currently experiencing drainage problem with the plumbing. You are advised to evacuate immediately. Please note this time will be unpaid

Maintenance will be notified of the problem.

- Tatsumi Seicchirro

- Secretary of the Summons Division

Down the hall there was now a deep rumble, and whine of metal. There was strengthening of the stink in the air and the sound of crumbling mortar followed by several loud explosions. This was immediately followed by several high pitched screams. Watari looked down the hall, and saw a brown patch of water begin creeping out from the bathroom doors.

The ladies room flung open and three female shinigami who worked in an adjacent department, came out crying and coughing. Their shoes and lower part of their stockings were flecked with brown and yellow.

"Oh Emma! Oh Emma." One girl wept. "It's on my shoes!"

"The smell! My throat hurts!" her companion cried. The last one was starting to wretch, staggering in the hall.

"Baka!" Hisoka barked sharply. Distracted by Bon's voice, Watari turned. The scientist saw Tsuzuki caring a struggling Hisoka in his arms.

"Put me down!" the younger shinigami demanded.

"I'm not letting my Soka-chan get covered in that." Tsuzuki said simply. And with that, Tsuzuki teleported out of the room.

"Come on Seichirro!" Watari yelled grabbing his lover's hand. They ran too do door only to be repelled by the stench. A wave of sludge was now coming out of both bathrooms, pushing the doors open. The gunk moved and swirled like a whirl pool.

Tatsumi and Watari covered their faces from the stink. They tip toed around the pool. When they were safe, they bolted to the main doors.

On the lawn the other shinigami watched. Myers-san smirked and began humming a song as he watched his supervisor and Watari run from a wave of sewerage that poured out after them, pursuing them like a living thing.

Randall heard the song and laughed aloud. Katie too laughed silently and in surprise.

*Bert! That was mean!* she sent, but she could not hide the rush of naughty glee that accompanied her thoughts.

*Oh you know its funny BB.*

"I don't understand," Wakaba asked Randall-kun. "What song is that?"

"It's Yakety Sax." the angel replied. "Uh… it's a western joke."

"Oh."

"You think the meifu would have better toilets." Randall mused.

*I thought hell was supposed to be damnation without relief!* Myers-san sent to both Randall and Katie. This private joke made them double over with laughter.

Tsuzuki appeared holding a very annoyed Hisoka in his arms. It quickly became a very embarrassed Hisoka, as the empath realized all eyes were on them. Wakaba squealed and threw herself around Terazuma. The former detective transformed immediately at her touch.

"Damn it!" Terazuma cursed.

"Baka! Put me down!" Hisoka cried.

Tsuzuki did has he was commanded. But as he released his partner, he felt the oni within him rise to consciousness. A wave of desire and protectiveness came over him. Before Tsuzuki knew what he was doing, he reached out and swatted Hisoka's behind. The boy's face became scarlet and he was at a loss of what to say. But there was not much time for the boy's embarrassment, however. Tatsumi and Watari ran to join the rest of the department. The two gasped for breath, Tatsumi holding himself by putting his hands on his knees.

"What happened, Watari?" the secretary panted.

"Well you know I've been experimenting with the formula to change genders for years, Seichirro- oh, gomen nasai, Tatsumi-san." Watari responded "Well of course, I had potions that did not work. And of course I had to dispose of them somewhere. And what place was more natural than the drains in my lab. But I neglected to see where the line went. Today I noticed my drain was not working, so made a Drain-o-bot 5000 and set it to work.

Tatsumi did not like where this conversation was headed. He was almost afraid to ask, but he knew he had to be through.

"What was it programmed to do?" Tatsumi demanded. His temples pulsed.

"To find the blockage and expel it. How was I to know the drains from the lab connected with the sewerage lines?"

Tatsumi shut his eyes and pushed his glasses back. As he collected his thoughts about what to do now, the Gushoshin brothers approached the shinigami.

"Shame on you Tsuzuki!" the younger one said. "Look what you did!"

"Wha? Me? I didn't flood the toilets! Why does everyone always blame me!" Tsuzuki whined, his puppy dog ears appearing.

Hisoka sighed, seeing that Tsuzuki's oni self had retreated into subconscious once more.

"Don't try to worm you way out of this!" the elder Gushoshin fussed. "First, you destroy the library- Twice! Now this!"

"It wasn't him!" Hisoka barked defensively.

The Gushoshin immediately stopped their interrogation at Hisoka's statement.

"Then who was it Kurosaki-kun?" the Gushoshin asked.

Everyone replied at once:

"Watari did it."

* * *

Tatsumi shook his head. He and Watari had rented a hotel room. He was sending an email to his subordinates from a laptop the Gushoshin brothers had leant him. After all, he did not want to think about what condition his own computer was in. Or Watari's laptop or the piles of paper and research! Or the rest of the entire building! He could only figure it would take at least a month of clean up.

Watari had already started on plans for something called the clean-a-tron. It was some type of robot that could clean up the mess remotely. But to convince the chief to let them proceed, when it was Watari who caused the mess in a first place; the very thought gave Tatsumi a headache.

"So, what did you decide Seichirro?" Watari said as he came out of the shower.

"Three weeks, unpaid leave." the secretary responded.

"Oh Seichirro."

"Fine," the secretary sighed. "At half pay, then."

"Well, better than nothing."

"Tsuzuki will be glad to hear it. He couldn't get Bon home fast enough."

Tatsumi sent the email and closed the laptop. He sighed.

"Here you go." Watari said as he handed his lover a cup of Sake.

"Where did this come from?"

"I had it delivered while you were concentrating on that email. Oh, don't worry, I paid for it myself."

"Really why?"

"Thought you could use a drink." Watari shrugged. You had a shitty day."

- finis-


End file.
